The other night was amazing. Not because I was able to catch up on some much needed housework. Or because I had time to work on some unfinished projects.
But because my husband Lance and I had an evening to just sit, watch television, read, and study.
It was peaceful and some might consider lazy. But it was needed. With four children, full time jobs, and a small farm, our lives can be very hectic.
We watched a show together, quietly. I had time to have a long Bible Study. He had time to research fly fishing and put together a well thought out plan to catch as many trout as he can using just the right fly’s at just the right size for just the right conditions and time frames based on the life cycle of the fish (I’m learning a little too I suppose!).
We did what we wanted to do. We were together. And we were mostly quiet.
When we went to bed, he said something that made me think. He said “Thank you. For just letting me be quiet and rest.”
That one statement caused me to analyze myself. It has caused much thought about who I am and my actions.
Here’s what I have realized today in reflection.
I am needy. I want our relationship to be great. I don’t want to always pretend that everything’s okay as I have in the past. I realize how important it is to talk about my feelings, to work on our relationship. I understand that great relationships don’t push things and issues under the rug.
So I study about relationships. I read about communication. I read about having a God honoring marriage. I want to do everything RIGHT.
And I’m constantly wanting to talk to him. About his feelings. About my feelings. I want him to see me for who I am and know my heart. I want to know him better than anyone else and at a deeper level than anyone has been able to reach.
And I exhaust him!
Don’t get me wrong, he has NEVER complained. He always does his very best to converse with me and is extremely patient. It wasn’t until last night and that one little comment that I realized,
I AM WEARING HIM OUT with my chatter. Even though the intent and purpose is good and well, it’s too much. I am too impatient in my quest to have a great marriage.
I am realizing that we don’t have to figure everything out right this minute. We have a lifetime to share and work on our marriage.
In the meantime, we must allow ourselves to enjoy the journey.
There is a good balance somewhere between working on a marriage or yourself and just breathing easy and enjoying life. Sometimes working on your marriage is just being quiet and letting each other rest, enjoying life together.
This trait of mine with him and our marriage is also evident in my personal life and relationship with Christ. I have finally come to terms with my past and realize the devastation it has had on my life and me as a person. I want to heal quickly. I want to spend every moment I can working on myself and restoring my relationship with Christ. I am at the point in my life that I am passionate about my walk with Him. It’s been so long and I love it!
But I need to remember that healing takes time. I need to remember that I am on the right path and there is no need to get in a hurry. God is patient with us and He wants us to be patient with ourselves. He also wants us to enjoy life while we’re on the journey of learning more of Him and even ourselves.
I have turned into a high strung woman. And that is not my natural personality. That is not who He created me to be. I want to return to the laid back and low key personality that He blessed me with when I was born.
I don’t want good relationships. I want great ones. With Lance, my children, my friends, and mostly, with God. I must realize that it takes time and I don’t have to get there overnight. I need to relax and enjoy the journey. I need to be confident that I am headed in the right direction and give myself some space to experience a peaceful life in the process.
There is a good balance between working on yourself and your relationships and just relaxing and enjoying what you have in that moment.
And I’m sure Lance would appreciate me finding that balance quickly before he loses his sweet, more patient than I could ever be, mind!