Divorce / Motherhood / Relationships

This Isn’t The Life I Dreamed About

I was driving the other day and a song came on the radio that I had never heard before. I’m not sure the title or the exact words but the general theme was that of a happy family, a man who has loved his wife all these years and the two of them watching their children grow up together. It was a beautiful song but as the chorus began, I broke down. In tears, I continued to listen to it and think about how I had wanted this life. I wanted a family that stayed together and I wanted my children to live in a household with their two biological parents. But not just that…

I wanted a happy and healthy family atmosphere for my two precious boys to grow up in. I wanted the very best for them and to provide them with as much stability as possible.

And it hurts me that they do not have that.

I’m tearing up again now as I write these words and open myself up to you, my readers. I imagine this is not an uncommon feeling among divorced women. Is it?

My heart hurts sometimes because of it. The heartache I see in Lance’s and my children is almost too much to bear. We both believe our divorces were necessary and are extremely grateful to have each other, but we both do grieve the circumstances that caused our divorces. We both grieve the loss of a two parent home for our children. We both grieve the loss of our marriages and our ideas of staying married to the parent of our children for a lifetime.

The sadness hits me without notice at times. I was having a great day the other day when the song came on. There was nothing happening that had me stressed or anxious and life was good. When I started crying, my exact thought was “wow, that hit me unexpectedly.”

It happens occasionally and Lance and I discuss it together sometimes. We didn’t want this for our children but it is the life we have. He is so understanding when I have my moments like this and I love him for it.

Lance and I have such a loving and caring marriage. We are extremely grateful for the opportunity we have to be in a happy, healthy relationship that will last the rest of our lives.  I certainly am not complaining about my past because it has led me to where I am today.

God has turned something bad into something very good. He has brought us through the fire and refined us. We are stronger and closer to Him than ever before and understand that all things happen for a reason. I would not be where I am today without the life experiences I have gone through.

God can use our pasts and our present willingness to reach others for Him. He can turn our brokenness into beauty so that all the world can see His power, love, and mercy. 

I know this more every day. But I am sure that there will still be days I grieve my dreams not coming true in the way that I dreamed them.  It is life and it’s okay.

I’m putting my faith in Christ that He will see me through. Every day. Every tear. Every grief.

And I know He will work all things for my good and the good of my children as long as we love Him and according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

This isn’t the life I dreamed about, but it’s the life I’ve been blessed with and the life I love, despite the grief that I may temporarily feel.

Keeping it Real,

Angie

***For more on grieving, see Kevin Thompson’s post An Ever Changing Grief  at http://www.kevinathompson.com/ever-changing-grief/

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